


Jack's Strongly Worded Letter

by SimplyGinger



Category: Titanic (1997)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Other, Satire
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-15
Updated: 2015-04-17
Packaged: 2018-03-23 03:35:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3753004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SimplyGinger/pseuds/SimplyGinger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I don't know about you but I intend on writing a strongly worded letter to the White Star Lines about all of this."  - Jack Dawson</p>
<p>This is meant to be lighthearted and funny.  Jack finally gets to sit down and pen his strongly worded letter to the White Star Lines about the sinking, his death and a few other problems he has about that fateful night.</p>
<p>Some mild cursing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Jack's Strongly Worded Letter

**Jack’s Strongly Worded Letter**

**_“I don’t know about you but I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star Lines about all of this…”_ **

**Jack’s dead but somehow, White Star Lines gets Jack’s strongly worded letter.  What did it say and how will White Star Lines respond?  Read on to find out.**

**Mild cursing.**

                               

                                                                                                                                                                                18 May 1912

Dear White Star Lines

April 15th, 1912. 

Does that date ring a bell with you? 

Well, it does for me. Want to know why?  That was the day I froze to death in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean after YOUR ship that everyone claimed was unsinkable sank. 

Yeah.  It sank like a rock.  It’s in pieces at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. 

How do I know this?  About fifteen hundred other people and I are down here with it, most of them fellow third class passengers or “steerage” as you people called us.    It’s actually quite cozy with lots of room and a great view of the Grandest Ship in the World which is now a giant heap of twisted metal, broken china and a few fish.  I can also finally say I know what it feels like to live in First Class because after Rose DeWitt-Bukater dropped my dead corpse in the ocean to save her own life, I floated down and guess where I landed?  You guessed it.  In first class. 

So, since your company dropped the ball and your employee(s) sank the ship, I feel it is only fair for White Star Lines to provide me with punitive damages based on lost wages and income due to my untimely death as well as a refund on the cost of the ticket since you know, I kind of died since your company killed us all and didn’t put enough lifeboats on board to appease the uppity ups who didn’t want to give up precious deck space.  So as a result, I gave up my life.   Hardly seems fair that I had to give up my life because some rich snob wanted to be able to take the air on the boat deck.   How many people actually did that?  I mean, we were on the ship in April in the middle of the Atlantic.  It was quite frigid most days and as a result, you had to be bundled up like a first class Eskimo to enjoy anything outside and you know how those rich folks are. 

But I digress.  What is done is done and I’m dead.  There’s not much anyone can do about it right now I suppose unless White Star Lines has a magic potion or spell that can bring me back to life. 

In lieu of that, here is what I propose.

  1.         White Star Lines will admit fault about causing my death.  To do this, I would like a signed and sealed letter sent to Rose DeWitt-Bukater, address unknown, saying in your own words, “Whoops, we screwed up. Sorry about that.  Our bad.”  A representative of White Star Lines will find Rose and deliver this letter to her personally and bestow upon her my disdain for her on not sharing that big piece of wood in the middle of the ocean.  I mean come on. There was room for two.  Seriously.  I didn’t have to die.  I literally froze to death because some jackhole fell asleep at the wheel and missed a giant hunk of ice floating in the middle of the northern Atlantic Ocean.  It was April.  Seriously.  There’s bound to be a berg somewhere.  If that guy that missed the iceberg wasn’t already down here with me, I’d add in another condition that you send him down here but I’ll let him slide.  He already feels pretty bad right now.  No one wants to talk to him.  I kind of feel sorry for him sometimes and let him sit with me at lunch.
  2.         White Star Lines will refund the cost of my third class ticket and will deliver said money to me at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean.  How you get the money to me is your own decision.   Tying concrete anchors to the legs of the president of White Star Lines and throwing him in the ocean seems like a viable solution to me.
  3.        I am also requesting monetary reimbursement for lost wages and lost property. I had a damned good set of charcoal pencils on board as well as a leather portfolio that was lost in the sinking.  As of the date of this letter, I am unable to locate either and they are now both presumed lost at sea.



Thank you for your kind consideration into this matter.

Jack Dawson  
Deceased Passenger  
Third Class 


	2. A Reply from White Star Lines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> White Star Lines replies to Jack's strongly worded letter.

 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                13 June 1912

 

Dear Mr. Dawson

We are in receipt of your letter dated 18 May 1912 and are formerly responding at this time, though this should go without saying since you are reading this.  We hope.

All of us at White Star Lines would firstly like to take this time to profusely apologize to the events, which we are neither confirming nor denying happened, that led to your untimely death.  It is with great sorrow that we express to you our condolences on your untimely passing.   Let us assure you, the sinking of the Titanic on her maiden voyage was not in our plans.  Our plans were to sink it on the third trans-Atlantic crossing.

Just kidding.

We do, however, promise not to sink it again. 

Our other vessels are fair game but we’ll try really hard not to sink another one but as you know, shit happens.

However, we have a few questions before we process your claim.  They are as follows:

      1.        We at White Star Lines pride ourselves on providing the best in trans-Atlantic travel for our guests.  However, upon research, we could not find your name on the manifest for the crossing.  We have double checked this with a list of the survivors as well as the deceased and did not find you on either list.  Could you please provide proof as to your residency on the ship in the form of a ticket stub or a death certificate stating that your cause of death was due to the sinking signed by a reputable medical professional?  I’m sure the ship’s doctor who is down there is with you at the bottom of the Atlantic would be willing to help you for a small fee which we would reimburse you upon receipt of the document and a receipt showing you how much you paid.
      2.        If you indeed did purchase a third class ticket and are now staying in First Class, you must reimburse us for the difference in the price.  We will not be reimbursing you for the cost of the ticket seeing as how you have illegally upgraded your ticket without paying for it.  In fact, that’s theft which is punishable by law.  Ponder that for a little bit.  “Steerage” passengers are to remain below decks in the hull of the boat away from the rich people.  They do tend to scare easily at the sight of a poor person.  I suppose they’re scared they might catch “the poor.”
      3.        We will need proof as to your income and your employment status to provide you with compensation for your lost wages.  Please enclose in your next correspondence a recent pay stub, time card or certified letter from your employer stating how much you make per pay period and the length of time you’ve been employed.
      4.        Please provide us with receipts on the purchase price of these alleged “damn good charcoal pencils” and your leather portfolio or we will have to consult with an appraiser to value the items and you will be responsible for the appraisal fee.  It will be deducted from any money you receive from White Star Lines if it is deemed necessary to send you money and we’re totally not saying that you’re getting anything just yet.  
      5.        We will not be tying anchors to the legs of the president of White Star Lines.  We provided him with the opportunity to accommodate your request by providing him with concrete blocks and rope, but he promptly chased us out of his office at gunpoint and we are now banned from entering his office in the future.  He has now stopped returning our calls. 
      6.        If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at J. Bruce Ismay. It is our understanding that he snuck on a lifeboat rather than going down with dignity like his fellow men.  Since we don’t like him either, we’d be glad to tie anchors to his ankles and throw him overboard if he will suffice in place of the president of White Star Lines.   He can even bring you any replies we have for you in the future.
      7.        How exactly are you able to write us a letter firstly, because you’re dead, but secondly, you’re under all that water at the bottom of the Atlantic?
      8.        And lastly, how on earth did we get it?



Once these conditions have been met, we will move forth with your request to provide you with compensation or a free ticket on any of our ships to any destination that White Star Lines services.

Since we can’t find J. Bruce Ismay at this point in time, this letter will be thrown into the ocean attached to a brick to ensure that it sinks to a level where you can get it, however, White Star Lines is not responsible if you never get it.  Lord knows we’re being held responsible enough as it is for everything else that’s going on.

It’s like people think WE put the iceberg in the ocean on purpose or something. 

Sincerely,

 

Bradley West  
A Very Much Alive Customer Service Agent  
White Star Lines


End file.
